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SEX AND THE CITY:
"THE WIZARD OF GREENWICH VILLAGE"
BY TYLER CRAFT CORMNEY
FADE IN: EXT. MANHATTAN SIDEWALK AT RUSH HOUR - DAY A sea of MEN walking towards us. CARRIE (V.O.)
The Emerald City of Manhattan is home to
about 1.6 million single men. With
numbers like that, seems like a gal could
find just one who has it all. But take
it from me, they're all missing some
essential ingredient.
EXT. WALL STREET SIDEWALK - DAY CARRIE (V.O.)
There are the tin men who have no
heart...
A stiff I-BANKER type wearing reflective sunglasses marches
by with mechanical precision.
EXT. UNION SQUARE - DAY CARRIE (V.O.)
...Lions who lack courage...
A LEONINE MAN with a mane of blonde hair struts up the
sidewalk proudly. Up ahead of him, he sees A PURSE SNATCHER
grab a WOMAN'S purse. The Leonine Man ducks into an alley as
the Purse Snatcher runs past.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY CARRIE (V.O.)
...And the beautiful scarecrows who,
sadly, have no brain.
A MALE MODEL type with wild straw-colored hair and nouveau
scarecrow garb pushes and pushes at the door of a coffee
shop. A WOMAN brushes him aside, pulls open the door, and
enters.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY CARRIE (V.O.)
And don't get me started on the
munchkins...
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN makes an f-you gesture with his
short arms.
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY DR. MARCO GIACONNI listens intently to a COUPLE sitting next
to each other on a couch across from him. Marco's late
thirties, dark, and handsome.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Dr. Marco Giaconni was known as "The
Wizard of Greenwich Village." He
specialized in fixing broken men. Part
therapist, part magician -- he'd saved
more relationships than Viagra.
THE FEMALE PATIENT is in tears. FEMALE PATIENT
He met my parents and they love him. I
know he loves me, but every time I bring
up marriage, he freaks out-
MALE PATIENT
(a cowardly lion)
It's only been f-ff-five years.
FEMALE PATIENT
(to the Doctor)
Can you fix him?
Dr. Giaconni smiles sagely. INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - DAY We travel through Carrie's apartment. It looks like a
tornado hit - magazines, books, newspapers and Chinese
takeout boxes are scattered everywhere.
Carrie sits at her laptop keyboard. LAPTOP SCREEN We can hear the words as she types them. CARRIE (V.O.)
'If the man in your life is incomplete,
should you go "off to see the Wizard" or
just catch the next twister out of town?"
OVER we hear-- SAMANTHA (O.S.)
(orgasmic)
Oh God! Oh Yes! Oh God!
INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - DAY Samantha is having sex with DR. SHANE MACINTOSH. CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha's motto was "Who needs a wizard
when there's Le Cirque, Cosmopolitans,
and multiple..."
Samantha CLIMAXES. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
That afternoon after a light lunch and a
few cocktails, she was enjoying the final
ingredient in her feel-good formula.
MACINTOSH
So?
SAMANTHA
Just what the Doctor ordered.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Dr. Shane Macintosh also specialized in
fixing broken men. He was a New York
heart surgeon who, thanks to Samantha's
PR work, was fast becoming the hottest
knife in Emerald City. Since taking his
post at New York general, he hadn't lost
a single patient.
Macintosh's BEEPER goes off. As he's getting up: MACINTOSH
Gotta check in at the hospital.
Samantha sighs with a sated grin. CARRIE (V.O.)
He certainly had Samantha's heart
pumping.
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY Charlotte's taking a tennis lesson from PIERRE, a gorgeous
French, tennis pro. She hits a powerful serve.
PIERRE
Tres bien, Charlotte!
CARRIE (V.O.)
Charlotte was also getting her heart rate
up with a little one-on-one. She loved
the fresh air...
Charlotte takes a deep breath. Her eyes sparkle. Close On PIERRE'S ASS as he bends over to pick up a ball. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
...almost as much as Pierre's derriere.
Pierre turns and catches her looking. He smiles and runs toward her. He vaults the net, but his
shoe catches and he eats it hard.
On Pierre laying face down on the tennis court. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
(singing)
"If he only had a brain..."
INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - DAY CARRIE (V.O.)
Meanwhile, Miranda was trying to calm her
little munchkin.
Miranda sings the lullaby "Mockingbird" to her infant son,
Brady:
MIRANDA
(singing to Brady)
"And if that boss tries to fire you,
Mama's gonna take him into court and
sue."
The Phone RINGS. Miranda answers. MIRANDA (cont'd)
Hello.
INT. CORPORATE LAW OFFICE - DAY WESLEY, an attractive attorney in his late 30s, holding the
telephone.
WESLEY
Miranda.
INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Miranda walks out of Brady's bedroom holding her cordless
phone. She closes the door quietly. We can hear Brady
CRYING in the background.
MIRANDA
Wesley!
WESLEY (V.O.)
Did I hear a baby crying?
MIRANDA
A baby...? Very funny.
WESLEY (V.O.)
I got the ticket, Miranda. I arrive at
11am Saturday into LaGuardia.
MIRANDA
Tomorrow morning...great...
CARRIE (V.O.)
Three weeks ago, Wesley and Miranda had
met at a legal conference in Chicago,
Wesley's hometown...
FLASHBACK INT. CHICAGO HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Miranda and Wesley stumble into the room. Wesley sweeps the
lamp and telephone off the in-room desk. Miranda hops onto
the desk and they undress feverishly.
CARRIE (V.O.)
They'd talked every night for the last
three weeks. She'd told him all about her
life-- except for one small detail.
INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - PRESENT DAY Miranda hangs up the phone. She opens the door into Brady's
room. He's sleeping peacefully. We see the guilt in her
eyes.
INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - DAY Dr. Macintosh is on the phone. Samantha's still in bed. MACINTOSH
(into the phone)
Quadruple blockage. I see...
(beat)
No...No...I'm swamped. Give him to one
of the residents.
Macintosh hangs up. SAMANTHA
Everything alright?
MACINTOSH
Very sick patient.
Macintosh climbs back into bed. MACINTOSH (cont'd)
Now, where we're we?
SAMANTHA
And you're handing him to a resident?
Macintosh isn't happy with her question. He gets up and
starts dressing.
MACINTOSH
Samantha, you're my PR agent. You know
I'm batting a-thousand.
SAMANTHA
But that's because you're the best.
MACINTOSH
Right. And I got that reputation by
choosing patients wisely.
Off Samantha's troubled reaction. MACINTOSH (cont'd)
Come on, Samantha! You wouldn't take on
a client who had no chance, why should I?
SAMANTHA
Isn't that a little...
MACINTOSH
... heartless? If either of us had a
heart we couldn't survive in this town.
Macintosh cinches his tie. MACINTOSH (cont'd)
See you Sunday.
He kisses her and leaves. Samantha shudders when the door SLAMS. INT. HOTEL COUNTRY CLUB - DAY Charlotte and Pierre walk off the court. PIERRE
(French accent)
Kassarian is a crook.
CHARLOTTE
Nick Kassarian is the most influential
art critic in New York.
PIERRE
And he's a crook.
CHARLOTTE
Maybe you'd better stick to tennis balls
Pierre because you obviously don't know
anything about people. Excuse me.
Charlotte leaves him. NICK KASSARIAN is waiting for her just outside the tennis court. She gives
him a kiss and they walk together.
NICK
Anything wrong?
CHARLOTTE
No, he was just a little critical of my
game.
NICK
Don't let a dumb jock get under your
skin.
CHARLOTTE
I won't.
Charlotte kisses Nick passionately. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY The girls are having happy-hour cocktails. CHARLOTTE
Tonight, we're having dinner with Otto
Hengstmann from Berlin and Jacques
Renault from Paris and tomorrow night I'm
going to Le Grande Critique!
MIRANDA
What's 'ze big deal about 'ze grande
crtique?'
CHARLOTTE
The decisions they make tomorrow night
influence the direction of artistic taste
for the next decade.
CARRIE
(sarcastically)
Is that all?
MIRANDA
I suppose this means you can't baby-sit
this weekend.
CHARLOTTE
Miranda, I'm sorry.
MIRANDA
Carrie?
CARRIE
Oh sweetie, I've got a deadline Monday.
SAMANTHA
What's the article about?
CARRIE
Dr. Marco Giaconni.
CHARLOTTE
(impressed)
The Wizard of Greenwich Village?
MIRANDA
I'm so out of touch.
SAMANTHA
A wizard...Do tell. Is he a little old
man with a big organ?
CARRIE
He's not old, and I have yet to see his
organ.
MIRANDA
I'm such a chicken-shit. What am I going
to do? I can't just spring it on him.
"Oh, hi! Welcome to New York. By the
way, do you change diapers?"
CARRIE
I wish I could help.
SAMANTHA
I'm free.
The other three look at Samantha, shocked. MIRANDA
Huh?
SAMANTHA
Shane's in surgery all weekend. I can
baby-sit.
MIRANDA
Why is an image of Brady's face on a milk
carton suddenly coming to mind?
SAMANTHA
(stung)
Fine then, Miss chicken-shit.
CARRIE
Whoa! Play nice.
MIRANDA
I was kidding. I'd really appreciate it,
Samantha.
Across the bar, Nick waves at Charlotte. CHARLOTTE
There's Nick.
(standing up)
Toot-a-loo, ladies.
Carrie, stands. CARRIE
And I'm off to see the Wizard.
EXT. NEW YORK SIDEWALK - DUSK Storm clouds are gathering over the City. The wind whips
leaves and garbage into tiny tornados.
Carrie tries to hail a cab. Rain starts to fall. CARRIE (V.O.)
Sometimes New York can embrace you like a
warm hug. Other times it can snarl and
bite you in the ass.
Carrie races for a stopped CAB. A WOMAN holding a LITTLE GREY TERRIER cuts her off. The dog
SNAPS at Carrie, and she stumbles backwards.
CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
A freak summer rain storm is one of those
times.
Carrie makes her way back to the sidewalk and looks
frantically for another cab.
Upstream, all the CABS are engaged. Carrie's not paying attention and her RUBY PURSE dangles
loosely from her shoulder.
Suddenly, A MIDGET MUGGER runs by and grabs her purse.
Carrie is spun around and has no choice but to release her
purse.
CARRIE (cont'd)
Hey!
She runs after him, but she's in high heels; he's in sneakers
and surprisingly fast, for a midget.
No one on the sidewalk tries to help or even pays attention. CARRIE (cont'd)
(to passerby)
The little guy! He stole my purse!
He...
No one cares. Carrie gives up. The RAIN starts to really pour. Carrie starts walking. Her high heel breaks and she stumbles
barely catching herself.
Carrie looks up at the sky which pisses on her from all
directions. Her face says, "Why me, God?"
INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT Charlotte and Nick are at a table with MR. HENGSTMANN and MR.
RENAULT.
NICK
Braddock's reign is over. Long live
Lasconte. You heard it hear first!
HENGSTMANN
Agreed.
Renault raises his glass. RENAULT
A new era.
The men toast. Charlotte doesn't raise her glass. CHARLOTTE
I disagree. Braddock is still relevant.
In fact, I feel he's just starting to hit
his stride.
The men's glasses hang in the air. They all look at
Charlotte as if she has just passed gas.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Carrie, drenched to the bone, enters. She throws her broken
shoe across the room angrily.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - A LITTLE LATER She's on the phone. CARRIE
(into phone)
Yes, 72nd and Third.
(beat)
No, I'm okay. Can you just send someone
over so I can make a report?
(beat)
He was a little person...a dwarf.
(beat)
No this is not a joke!
Carrie hangs up the phone and looks at the sheets of water
cascading down her window.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - LATER Samantha, Miranda, and baby Brady are just leaving. SAMANTHA
Are you sure you're going to be okay?
CARRIE
Yeah. Thanks.
Miranda cuddles Brady close to her. MIRANDA
It's just frightening. This sort of
thing seems to be happening more and
more.
CARRIE
I'm more pissed about my shoe. All I had
in the bag was an old piece of nicorette,
an eyebrow pencil, and a tube of lipstick
from the 80s.
SAMANTHA
If I see a dwarf wearing cherry bomb red,
he's mine.
They hug and kiss goodbye. EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - NIGHT The STORM is really cooking now. Thunder and lightening
interplay.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Carrie sits at her laptop. She has a cosmopolitan next to
her.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Why do we put up with it - the exorbitant
cost of living, the lousy people, the
shitty weather, the thieving midgets?
She takes a sip of her drink. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
Maybe that munchkin took more than my
purse.
LAPTOP SCREEN We can hear the words as she types them. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
'Had I lost my heart for New York?"
A loud THUNDER CLAP. The POWER GOES OUT in her apartment. Again, Carrie stares up into the heavens. INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT Charlotte and Nick are getting their coats from the coat
check. The storm is brewing outside and inside...
CHARLOTTE
Nick, I'm sorry.
NICK
You embarrassed me Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
I think Braddock is a very important
painter. I hate to hear anyone
criticized unfairly.
NICK
Charlotte, if you want to come with me
tomorrow night I have one rule-- Look
good and keep that pretty mouth shut.
He adds just enough charm to keep her from slapping him. CHARLOTTE
That's two rules.
NICK
My whole career hinges on how things go
tomorrow night. I need you on my side.
Pause. CHARLOTTE
(with difficulty)
I'm sorry I embarrassed you.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Charlotte was starting to get the
picture. Apparently, Nick liked his
women like he liked his paintings - thin,
beautiful, and speechless.
Still, she felt she could prove to him
that she had brains as well as beauty.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT There's a knock at the door. Carrie goes to the door holding her cosmopolitan. CARRIE
It's about time!
Lightning FLASHES. It's Dr. Giaconni, the Wizard of
Greenwich Village.
CARRIE (cont'd)
Dr. Giaconni! I'm sorry. I thought you
were...Please come in.
CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
Apparently, no yellow-brick road was
required. In this day and age, the
Wizard made house calls.
DR. GIACONNI
I was worried when you didn't show. I
brought you the research for your
article.
CARRIE
I'm so sorry, Dr. Giaconni. It's been
one of those days. Please, come in.
Carrie escorts the doctor inside. CARRIE (cont'd)
(over her shoulder)
My power's out, but my cocktail shaker
appears to be operational. How about a
drink? I've never had a real live
therapist in here. I promise not to talk
about my problems.
JUMP CUT TO: CARRIE laying on the sofa staring at the ceiling. Lightening
flashes.
CARRIE (cont'd)
I just don't think I can take it any
longer. I mean I love this city. It's
my home. I can't imagine being anywhere
else, but it's just so hard sometimes.
This is the second time I've been mugged
in two years.
Dr. Giaconni listens from an armchair. DR. GIACONNI
What else has been going on in your life?
CARRIE
Oh the usual - inability to have a
fulfilling relationship, broken off
marriage engagements, neurotic friends,
inadequate men, job anxieties, fears
about the future, fears about paying the
bills, a fear of dying bitter and alone
with nothing to show for my life but a
hundred pairs of Italian designer shoes.
DR. GIACONNI
Carrie, are you being honest?
CARRIE
Okay, maybe two hundred pairs.
DR. GIACONNI
No. I mean New York isn't the problem.
Today it is, but what about tomorrow?
CARRIE
Huh?
DR. GIACONNI
Well for starters, look at this place.
Is it always such a mess?
CARRIE
Hey! Too much honesty.
DR. GIACONNI
New York is the city you live in; it's
not your home. This is your home.
CARRIE
Well, I'm so glad to find out that I
don't need a Wizard just a Dirt Devil.
They laugh. TIME CUT TO: ENTRY WAY - LATER Dr. Giaconni puts on his raincoat. Carrie holds the door. DR. GIACONNI
You remind me of Dorothy.
CARRIE
A patient?
DR. GIACONNI
...From the Wizard of Oz. Remember what
she learned at the end of the yellow
brick road?
CARRIE
--Beware of flying monkeys?
DR. GIACONNI
(laughing)
That too. Thanks for the drink.
Dr. Giaconni departs. Carrie walks into her apartment and the LIGHTS comes back on.
She surveys the mess.
EXT. MANHATTAN SIDEWALK - NIGHT As the Wizard moves up the sidewalk, street lamps click back
on behind him as if by magic.
CARRIE (V.O.)
As the storm passed and the lights of New
York began shining once again, I couldn't
help thinking - 'Toto, we're not in
Manhattan anymore.'
FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - DAY It's a beautiful sunny day. CARRIE (V.O.)
The next day Samantha showed up at
Miranda's in her best Aunt-for-a-weekend
ensemble.
Miranda and Samantha are rushing around the apartment. We
hear a Cabbie HONKING his horn outside.
SAMANTHA
I think that's it - clothes, diapers,
wipes, baby powder, port-a-crib,
carriage, and...
She picks up the car seat. SAMANTHA (cont'd)
...car seat!
MIRANDA
(worried)
He likes that "Hush little baby song."
SAMANTHA
Don't worry, Darling. Auntie Samantha's
got it under control.
Samantha kisses Miranda on the cheek and heads out the door
with the car seat.
MIRANDA
Aren't you forgetting something?
SAMANTHA
I don't think so.
We hear Brady's CRY from the back bedroom. On Samantha's embarrassed smile. INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - LATER Miranda and Wesley are kissing and moving up the hallway. CARRIE (V.O.)
Miranda spent two hours de-baby-izing her
apartment. By the time Wesley arrived,
everything that said single mom was
hidden away in Brady's room.
Wesley, his lips still locked with Miranda's, opens the
bedroom door behind him. Miranda quickly pulls it shut
before he can see the mountain of baby paraphernalia inside.
MIRANDA
Not that one.
They resume kissing and stumbling up the hall. INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - DAY Samantha tries to quiet Brady who is crying. CARRIE (V.O.)
While mama was putting the moves on
Wesley, Samantha was entertaining her own
weekend guest.
Samantha sings to Brady. SAMANTHA
"Hush little Brady don't say a word, Aunt
Sammie's gonna buy you a..."
(beat)
"Aunt Sammie's gonna buy you a..."
She can't remember the words. SAMANTHA (cont'd)
Shit!
(to Brady)
Don't tell your mother I said that.
Brady cries. TIME CUT TO: INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - LATER Samantha does a cheer with an old set of pom-poms. SAMANTHA
Two, four, six, eight who's the
quarterback's favorite date--? Samantha!
Samantha! Woooo!
Brady cries. Samantha's pom-poms droop to her sides. CARRIE (V.O.)
Maybe, Brady was a basketball fan...
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - DAY KITCHEN Carrie opens the refrigerator. She grabs a take-out box from the shelf, smells it, and GAGS.
She tosses it back in and slams the refrigerator door.
Carrie leans her head against the cold surface of the
refrigerator.
CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
Then something strange happened. In the
midst of a masochistic panic set in
motion by a munchkin mugger and a way-too
candid Ph.D., I did it-- I decided to
clean my apartment.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - A LITTLE LATER KITCHEN Carrie pulls on a pair of pink latex gloves, ready for
battle.
She opens the refrigerator door, grabs the takeout box and
trashes it. Next, she throws out the empty soy sauce bottle.
She looks down at the vegetable drawer. CARRIE
(to herself)
Don't do it, Carrie.
She opens the drawer, SCREAMS, and jumps back. Moments later, Carrie returns. She pulls out the vegetable
drawer and quickly dumps the rotting vegetables into the
trash.
LIVING ROOM Carrie walks in carrying a tall stack of shoe boxes. She
searches the room for a place to store them.
KITCHEN Carrie opens the oven and packs the shoe boxes inside. INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - DAY Miranda and Wesley are in bed hot and heavy. Suddenly, a squeeze toy lets out a SQUEEZE-TOY NOISE. Wesley pulls a pink dinosaur out from under him. A tense silence. Miranda looks guilty. MIRANDA
I can explain--
WESLEY
I didn't know you had a thing for pink
dinosaurs. That is so sexy.
He kisses her. She heats up again, but then pushes him off
and sits up in bed.
MIRANDA
I'm sorry, Wesley.
Wesley collects his wits and sits up. MIRANDA
It's... Wesley, I'm a...I have a-- I'm
hungry.
WESLEY
Should we call for take out?
She pauses. MIRANDA
No.
CARRIE (V.O.)
At that moment, Miranda became a cowardly
lion.
MIRANDA
Can we get out of here?
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY Charlotte is taking another lesson from Pierre. He stands
behind her directing her swing with his arm.
CHARLOTTE
Pierre, I understand you are French and
therefore by nature rude and impetuous.
Otherwise, I would have never spoken to
you again.
PIERRE
Nick Kassarian is a disgrace to the art
world.
Charlotte steps away from him. CHARLOTTE
Nick is the guest of honor at Le Grande
Critique. You're a pretty-boy tennis
teacher. Who are you to criticize him?
PIERRE
He's a pig, and tonight, I'll tell him so
to his face.
Charlotte laughs. CHARLOTTE
They won't let you set foot in Le Grande
Critique.
PIERRE
Wait and see.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - DAY Carrie's on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor
with a brush.
CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
While Charlotte traded volleys with the
frog with the Prince racquet, I was
scrubbing my place so spotless that even
Auntie Em couldn't complain.
Surprisingly, a date with Mr. Clean
started to lift my spirits.
The phone RINGS. Carrie answers it with her pink-gloved hand. She blows the
hair out of her eyes.
INTERCUT with Dr. Giaconni in his apartment. CARRIE
Dorothy speaking.
DR. GIACONNI
I deserve that. You had been through a
lot yesterday, and I'm afraid I wasn't
very understanding or helpful.
CARRIE
Guess what I'm doing?
DR. GIACONNI
What?
CARRIE
I'm cleaning my apartment.
A beat. DR. GIACONNI
I want to take you to dinner.
CARRIE
(playfully)
Isn't that against the hypodermic oath or
something?
DR. GIACONNI
Despite your taking my moronic advice,
you're not a patient...so no.
Carrie looks out the window at the dark City. She bites her
lip.
CARRIE
Tell you what, I'll make you dinner.
Come by at eight.
Carrie hangs up. Her face is panicked. CARRIE (V.O.) (cont'd)
What the hell? Was I high on Pinesol? I
don't cook. Man, I was losing it.
INT. CARRIE'S FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Carrie tips a GROCERY DELIVERY BOY and lugs her groceries
into her apartment.
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - LATER Carrie's dressed in an apron, her face covered in flour. The Kitchen is an explosion of bowls, pots, and pans. Carrie, reading a cookbook: CARRIE
Pre-heart oven to 350. Check! Sift
flour. Check! Separate egg whites
from...?
Carrie smells something burning. Smoke starts pouring out of the stove. CARRIE (cont'd)
My shoes!
Carrie opens the oven door. Flames and thick black smoke
pour out.
She grabs a boiling sauce pot of water from the top of the
stove and dowses the flaming boxes and shoe leather.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Four-thousand dollars of Italian leather--
well done. Fungula!
EXT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - NIGHT Miranda's enjoying her dinner with Wesley. MIRANDA
So then I said "Well, if you want the
next chapter in the company's history to
have an eleven after it, go right ahead
and counter-sue."
They laugh. WESLEY
You have great stories.
MIRANDA
So do you, especially that big-tobacco
case. Who thought lung cancer could be
so darn funny?
More laughs. MIRANDA (cont'd)
So why hasn't some hot mama scooped you
up yet, Wesley?
WESLEY
Why hasn't some hot daddy scooped you up?
Miranda pauses and then drops the bomb. MIRANDA
Maybe because I'm a hot mama.
WESLEY
(flirtatiously)
Oh, yes you are...
MIRANDA
(earnestly)
I really am.
WESLEY
Vroom! Vroommmm!
MIRANDA
Wesley, I have a kid, okay. He's one.
His name is Brady. That was his pink
dinosaur you pulled out of your rear
end...Is that a problem?
Wesley shifts in his seat. WESLEY
No...of course not.
MIRANDA
I knew it. I'm sorry. I was just
enjoying myself for a change and I didn't
want to ruin it. I'll save you the
trouble--
(to the waiter)
Check.
WESLEY
Miranda, wait! That doesn't matter to
me.
MIRANDA
(hopefully)
It doesn't?
WESLEY
I'll still have sex with you.
MIRANDA
Thanks.
She stands. MIRANDA (cont'd)
I'll leave your stuff with the doorman.
Sorry.
Miranda rushes out. INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Carrie is completely frazzled. Dr. Giaconni sits and watches
her with a smile.
CARRIE
First, I get mugged and then I have this
crazy urge to clean and cook. Look what
I did to Manolo Blahnik.
She holds up a charred open-toed pump. CARRIE (cont'd)
They're melllll-ted.
DR. GIACONNI
No worries. We'll go out.
Carrie looks at the door, fearfully. CARRIE
No.
DR. GIACONNI
You've gotta do it some time.
CARRIE
I can't go out there, Marco!
DR. GIACONNI
I know a place in the village that makes
the best pizza you'll ever taste.
Carrie looks at him. Somehow he makes her feel safe. CARRIE
If you see any midget muggers or witches
on bicycles, shoot first, ask questions
later.
Holding up three fingers: DR. GIACONNI
Wizard's honor.
INT. SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Close on SAMANTHA'S TV-- The Wizard of Oz is playing. The
Wicked Witch of the West is melting.
Samantha has Brady on her lap. He's watching TV. She's
unconscious.
There's a KNOCK at the door. SAMANTHA
(jolts awake)
Who's melting?!
Samantha looks around. Another KNOCK at the door. FRONT DOOR More POUNDING. Samantha opens it. Dr. Macintosh barges in.
He's drunk.
MACINTOSH
I lost him.
SAMANTHA
What?
MACINTOSH
Routine by-pass, text book, and something
went wrong. He died on my table.
SAMANTHA
Shane, I'm sorry.
MACINTOSH
I need something to take my mind off it.
He starts to kiss Samantha and undress her. SAMANTHA
If that will help...sure.
He kisses her neck. Brady CRIES from off-screen. MACINTOSH
What the hell is that?
SAMANTHA
I'm baby-sitting for a friend. I'll just
be a minute.
Kissing her shoulder: MACINTOSH
Let it cry.
SAMANTHA
It's not an it, Shane. It's a he. Just
a minute.
MACINTOSH
You heartless bitch, didn't you hear me?
I just killed a man!
Samantha recoils from him. Silence. SAMANTHA
Shane, I think you should go.
She walks over and opens the door. He exits and turns to her with an appealing look. MACINTOSH
Samantha, my batting average is fucked.
SAMANTHA
And you just struck out again.
Samantha shuts the door in his face. She leans against the door and clutches her chest. CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha's heart was racing which only
goes to show you, she did have one after
all.
Brady CRIES. Samantha hurries toward the bedroom. INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT The COCKTAIL PARTY for Le Grande Critique is in full swing.
Charlotte walks through the room on Nick's arm. She's like a
groupie.
CHARLOTTE
There's Oscar Melville from Sydney and
Georgette Sands from Dublin. Oh my God,
it Kishuro Moto from Tokyo! His essays
on Chinese influence on Japanese painting
in the Muromachi Period are ground
breaking.
NICK
Charlotte, I know you're excited but
please relax. Go over there for a second
with the other gals. I've got to speak
to Mr. Moto.
Charlotte chafes at being brushed aside. NICK (cont'd)
You're on my side right? I'll be right
over. Then maybe we'll play a little
hookie on the golf course.
Charlotte joins a group of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. One named VIVIEN
comes over to speak with her.
VIVIEN
Nick Kassarian, huh?
CHARLOTTE
That's right.
VIVIEN
I was here with him last year. I'm with
Moto. Has Nick invited you out to play
the front nine yet? The second hole is
legendary around here.
CHARLOTTE
Are you a...?
VIVIEN
...A prostitute? Hardly, I have Ph.D. in
art criticism from Brown. Of course,
Kassarian was never interested in that.
PIERRE (O.S.)
Champagne ladies?
Charlotte does a double-take. Pierre is dressed in a
waiter's uniform and is holding a drink tray.
CHARLOTTE
Pierre?!
Vivien departs. CHARLOTTE (cont'd)
Pierre, I don't know how you managed
this, but please don't embarrass me.
PIERRE
It's not you who I am going to embarrass.
EXT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT The sign out front reads "Emerald City Pizza" INT. EMERALD CITY PIZZA - NIGHT MAMA GIACONNI gives her son, Dr. Giaconni, a big kiss on the
cheek. Mama looks at Carrie affectionately and then goes
back to the kitchen.
DR. GIACONNI
That's Mama.
CARRIE
How long has your family owned this
place?
DR. GIACONNI
Opened in 1939, the year my Pop was born.
I worked my way through school delivering
pies.
They called me the Wizard because I could
get you your 'za in under thirty minutes.
That was before Domino's.
Laughing at herself: CARRIE
I thought it was because you fixed broken
men.
DR. GIACONNI
Nobody's broken, Carrie. I just help
people see that.
He stares into her eyes. Carrie looks at him for a moment
and then looks away and bites into her slice.
INT. SAMANTHA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Peaceful scene of Samantha holding Brady against her heart. SAMANTHA
(singing)
"Hush little baby don't say a word.
Sammie's gonna buy you a mockingbird, and
if that mockingbird don't sing Sammie's
gonna buy you a Harry Winston ring..."
There's a KNOCK at the door. Samantha tip-toes out of the bedroom and closes the door
softly behind her.
FRONT DOOR Miranda enters. Samantha hugs Miranda and lets her cry. INT. COUNTRY CLUB CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Nick is holding court in the center of MR. MOTO, MR.
MELVILLE, MR. RENAULT, and MR. HENGSTMANN.
NICK
Braddock may have started the movement
but he's lost his edge. The name to
watch is Lasconte. Of course, I'll rave
about him in my next column.
(grandly)
You heard it here first!
Charlotte wants to speak up. Nick shoots her a warning
glance and she bites her tongue.
PIERRE (O.S.)
Lasconte's paintings are very hard to
come by.
The Crowd parts. There are MUMBLES of surprise which
intensify when people realize the words came from Pierre, a
waiter.
NICK
Well, yes. Appears you know more than
just how to deliver a highball.
There is a TITTER of laughter at Pierre's expense. PIERRE
An anonymous collector has been scooping
up Lasconte's work for the last six
months and unloading Braddock's almost as
quickly.
NICK
(turning back to the others)
As I was saying--
PIERRE
You're the collector, Mr. Kassarian.
A RUMBLE goes through the critic's circle. NICK
Buzz off!
PIERRE
It'll be in the papers tomorrow morning.
"You heard it here first!"
Pierre heads for the door. Charlotte chases him. Nick looks ill. NICK
Charlotte! Charlotte!
THE HALLWAY Charlotte catches Pierre. CHARLOTTE
Is that true?
PIERRE
C'est vrai.
CHARLOTTE
Are you some kind of FBI agent or
something?
PIERRE
(laughing)
I'm an art student at the Sorbonne. I
was writing my dissertation on
Kassarian's influence on the art world.
He was my hero until I discovered his
scam.
CHARLOTTE
You're not a tennis teacher.
PIERRE
That's just to meet women.
CHARLOTTE
And here I thought you were just another
pretty-faced tennis bum.
PIERRE
I always knew you were more than just a
pretty-face, Charlotte.
Charlotte blushes. CHARLOTTE
Have you seen the golf-course? I hear
the second hole is really something.
EXT. GOLF COURSE - NIGHT Deep in the wooded rough off the second hole, Pierre's head
is hidden beneath Charlotte's dress.
CHARLOTTE
(moaning)
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
(beat)
Pierre?! Where are you putting your...?
(surprised)
Oh!
CARRIE (V.O.)
While Pierre was enjoying the second
hole, I was falling in love again.
EXT. ROOFTOP OF A SKY-SCRAPER - NIGHT Carrie and Dr. Giaconni admire the majesty and beauty of New
York City.
CARRIE
It's just so beautiful.
DR. GIACONNI
So are you.
He tries to kiss her. Carrie turns her head. CARRIE
I'm sorry, Marco. I'm still not sure
where I am right now.
Marco takes it in stride. DR. GIACONNI
It's okay, Carrie. I just hope you'll
stick around awhile.
Pause. Carrie looks at her City. CARRIE
I'm not going any place.
"Good-bye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John begins under. Carrie breathes in the sweet summer night air. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY "Yellow Brick Road" continues under. The four girls walk arm-in-arm down a path a la The Wizard of
Oz.
CARRIE (V.O.)
The next day, we, the weary travelers of
the yellow brick road, got together for a
walk through our own Emerald City. The
summer storm was a distant memory, and I
think I learned Dorothy's lesson after
all --
On Carrie's feet. She's wearing a pair of RUBY SLIPPERS. She races a few steps ahead, spins like a ballerina, and
clicks her heels.
CARRIE (V.O.)(cont'd)
...There's no place like home.
FADE OUT. THE END. |